My bf is addicted to dating sites
If you must do it, do it at home. Something More January 11, , 2: Which I completely agree with. Yeah, I understand you. What were those year-olds doing during that time? And it also gets to me because it was a music class, which are hard enough to keep in schools already — I can just see some budget crunching person somewhere pointing to this as a reason that such classes are a waste of time: I agree with the music in school thing.
Thankfully, both of my daughters have the opportunity to be in a music class at their schools. And honestly, I have a special place in my heart for my elementary school music teacher. She is such a wonderful lady. I just hope the LW realizes it and truly takes everything to hart. At least take everything said here and really think about it. Three lies says your dealing with a liar and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can.
Your boyfriend is being constantly deceitful and sneaky with his computer use. I think that tells you everything you need to know. I totally agree that she should MOA. But is he lying to her? It kind of reminds me of hoarders. People who live with hoarders just have to deal with it or leave. Your boyfriend is clearly addicted to these chat sites. Like, literally, clinincally, addicted. Which raises several important questions. Has he always been addicted to these sites or has it gotten worse recently?
Two years is a lot of time. But lets take five seconds to consider if this could better be described as an illness. Two years in, you consider staying through an illness. He needs to get to therapy pronto and a psychiatrist who specializes in internet addictiosn. Hence going to a doctor and not taking anything I have to say about medicine as anything other than rampant speculation. If he refuses to see it as a problem or address it, or go get help, then again, MOA.
I know that sounds like a cop out. But I have a highly addictive personality and I get literally , not a figure of speech obsessed with things for bursts of time and they are all encompassing for me. Only if you live with me will you know. However, given the description, he may need help that would actually help him not do this anymore.
You clearly love the guy. You can support him and his treatment in return for his love, appreciation, commitment to you , your relationship and his health and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror. But you should at least ask yourself if any of what I have said applies before plopping him on the curb.
If he were addicted to online gambling… she could stick it out a little longer and try to help him get help. But, he is addicted to something chatting with single ladies! ReginaRey January 11, , I think this is a very reasonable analysis. And I agree with your last sentence whole-heartedly. The former is going to make you overly-defensive. But if he is not receptive of the latter, and he understands that its a dealbreaker and he still just argues and defends? But I think it might mean redefining what you mean by disrepecting her. We would agree that swearing at someone not in jest is a sign of disrescpect.
I am also not that familiar with addiction, but I understand that the object of the addiction is not actually that important — an alcoholic, a compulsive-gambler, a real shopolic, pornography — its all the same. And none of it has anything to do with respect they have for their loved ones; its about control, self-soothing, and brain chemicals. If it a true addiction, I believe that dichotomy would carry over into his object — assumingly lewd chatting online. I am not excusing his behavior, or at least, not going forward. And perhaps I am over medicalizing it. Whether he can help it or not his behavior is unhealthy for the letter writer and for that reason alone she needs to move on.
If he needs help he will have to decide that he needs help and then act on that decision. She could spend two more years trying to fix him and then end the relationship feeling even worse than she does now or should could move on, spend time healing then meet someone else who is much better and be far happier in another two years.
Yeah, but if you deal with people with any kind of addiction enough — drugs, alcohol, pornography, whatever — you find pretty quickly that the effect it has on the brain chemistry honestly makes them more often than not completely unable to recognize the fact that they need help. But, yes, he has to want it at some point early on in the process. Let me put it to you this way, LW: FireStar January 11, , 1: I find the word addiction is thrown around so much these days — particularly when it comes to behaviour.
Where does personality accountability stop and mindless compulsion begin? I understand that some behavioural addictions alter brain chemistry but even if it that is the case, is there no personal accountability in getting to the stage of addiction? The point before choice turned into compulsion? Our natural inclination as humans, I would hope, is to help and treat but I think some times we end up facilitating and fostering by coddling someone who should have been held to a better standard to begin with.
I have known addicts in my life — both of substance and behavioural afflictions — and have seen first hand that they can only achieve a balanced life when they choose one. If this LW had had enough and was like, hells no, she would have left him already. I think I would have. Everyone was quick to tell her that she effectively had no choice but to leave him, if she respected herself. I wanted to put it out there that, depending on what is really going on, she does have a choice.
Colleen January 11, , You make some really thoughtful points. Whenever we support someone going through a hard time, it needs to come from our own place of strength. LW is just too beaten down by this relationship and too close to the situation, in my opinion. Leroy January 11, , It does sound like his behavior has intensified. I may be a little callous, but I think that people with addictions only deserve their SO if they are willing to treat their addiction.
I realize that people with addictions might not be ready or want to realize that they have addictions and perhaps need loving people in their life. That is called co-dependency. I first read this as saying your boyfriend is addicted to Single Cat Sites, which would have been equally weird. TheOtherMe January 11, , If he refuses, M. A dear LW, sorry. Beth January 11, , If the tables are turned, he might not like that at all. Regardless, MOA…before the damage is done to your self esteem and you cannot get out. At some point, you have to own up to your actions and try to get help, which he is obviously not ready to do.
Some addicts reach that point over and over again only to keep slipping and it is exhausting and painful to be the loved one watching it.
Are you a midlife online dating addict?
In the end only you can decide if your relationship is worth all the pain he has already put you through, and all the pain he will continue to put you through in the future. Maybe sign him up for a Single Cat Site…. If he were online playing video games all the time, or even watching a moderate amount of non-interactive porn, but he was being honest and open with you about it, and responded to you maturely if and when you voiced concerns, that would be a whole other ball of wax. Do you see the difference?
Most would consider this unhealthy and obsessive behavior at best, and many would consider it cheating as well. So he is engaging in a behavior that is disrespectful to your relationship boundaries. They do not refuse to even compromise. So can you keep having this same fight forever? He closes the browser when you approach, you snoop his computer. Perhaps less serious than the other issues, but again, he is entirely unresponsive to the fact that his behavior is depressing you and causing you to literally lose sleep.
As stand alone issues, you could maybe work on these or try and get to the bottom of them. You have already communicated substantially, and he has done nothing to compromise or improve the relationship. What does that tell you about how much he cares about your relationship? Bottom line- LW, you are with a guy that disrespects you, takes you for granted, and wipes his ass with your happiness.
Your choices are limited but clear. Accept his behavior and the consequences to you or move on. Elle January 11, , What he does is damaging your self-esteem, and even though he knows that kudos to you for telling him , he refuses to stop doing it. One thing I noticed works with guys like him — reciprocation. That thing that annoys you when he does it — you do it to him. It will drive him crazy!!!! LW, please go to therapy so you can better understand why you are willing to settle for such a dysfunctional relationship.
Your BF is one part of the problem but your putting up with it is the other part. As in most cases, we are our own worst enemies when it comes to our own happiness. Dang, as a person who definitely spent time on dating sites in her single days, it infuriates me to think that there are people mascarading as single.
Yup, he had a girlfriend. But the dude was so messed up, i finally had to block him!
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So I recommend leaving him. I agree with everyone here that you should leave as soon as possible. But I wanted to add something, based on personal experience. I used to live with a porn addict he was more like an addiction addict, actually , and when our relationship was about to collapse because of it no sex, he would lock himself in the bathroom with his computer first thing every morning, etc and I said I wanted out he suddenly stopped.
BUT he turned to alcohol. And then I started trying to remember and I realized that even though the porn thing was the longest period, I had seen him compulsively doing ketamine, then cocaine, then food, then making new friends obsessively, then watching porn, then drinking. Then the second time he disappeared in the middle of a conversation and I found him playing when I looked around the house for him I left. Actually I know what I was thinking.
He was absolutely hot and loved going dancing with me. Budj January 11, , 3: That one, and Dungeon Keeper II. AKchic January 11, , 1: Honey, you have an internet junkie. A chatroom junkie to boot. He enjoys chatting with anonymous people. So he can flirt with them, and more than likely, engage in cybersexual relations with them. You have aired your concerns and are now becoming his psuedo-jailer.
Walk the fuck away. Either kick him out, or move yourself out. Grow a backbone and stop being a doormat. Can you imagine not wanting to fall asleep because your pervy little boyfriend is going to run to the computer? AKchic January 11, , 3: A few places are near 40 in town, which is really weird since it was two days ago. Thank goodness I have multiples plus a small snow blower! Plus, it would save me about 60 minutes every snowfall in shoveling the driveway. Britannia January 11, , 5: Feel free to send some of that my way! AKchic January 11, , 6: Us Sourdoughs just shrug it off and consider it part and parcel of living here.
Anna January 11, , 3: But no matter what the reason, she definitely needs to dump his ass and move on because he clearly does not value her as much as she values him. On that note, I am starting to see two comment threads here instead of one after quite a few glasses of wine. Yep, it was THAT kind of night at work last night.
I think I should sleep before I have to go back at 11 pm tonight…ugh. The thrill of the chase is a part of it. Zepp January 12, , 5: Tracey January 11, , 3: Arguing repeatedly about a behavior your boyfriend is unwilling and maybe unable to change, behavior that is starting to negatively impact your emotional and physical health. Why in the world do you want to stay in this depressing, soul crushing, unhealthy situation? You deserve better treatment, a better living situation, a better partner, better health. LW, you really have two choices. Meredith January 11, , 9: My parents would get all mad at me for tying up the phone line back in the awesome days of dial-up!
About 11 years ago I dated a guy who would call hotlines to engage in phone conversations with random people. I still think about how strange that is. And this is just as, if not more strange. Weirdo on your hands!
Relationship Advice: “My Boyfriend is Addicted to Singles Chat Sites”
Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Google Search Questions, Vol. Dear Wendy January 11, Columns comments. My boyfriend and I dated two years before moving in together. Things are going great except for his addiction to singles chat sites. LW, This is bad! This is too big of a thing to be fixed. Simple and to the point…I love it haha. I could understand being addicted to WoW…. Once I get thru prelims and get Skyrim, I may have to use this. Much like those running apps that show how far you ran and what your time was: The opportunities seem endless.
But as author and human behaviouralist Alfie Kohn points out, being on countless apps can signal a potential risk of dating addiction. You spend part of your time trying to recover from, and make sense, of all these lovely people who won't give you the time of day, then the rest avoiding people you have no interest in. It can take over your life. So the very apps that are designed in order to help people to meet, are actually doing the opposite.
The US Association of Psychological Science found that reviewing multiple candidates causes people to be more judgmental and inclined to dismiss a not-quite-perfect candidate than they would in a face-to-face meeting. When I was single, after my long-term relationship with the father of three of my four children broke up after many years, I spent a couple of years online. Even though, three years ago, there were nowhere near as many apps as there are now, I understand how obsessive it can get. I think I almost lived for checking my dating sites, spending hours "talking" to men I ended up never actually meeting.
It certainly staved off loneliness, and felt safer in many ways than risking a date, face-to-face, for which I had to grow a pretty thick skin. The rejection is tough on both sides - the men you think sound wonderful but when you meet them they are not what they seem, or maybe you like them but they don't like you. I eventually met my husband via Facebook we had mutual friends, but soon moved our connection into the real world. My best friend met his now wife on Tinder. So success stories do happen, but they're outnumbered by the thousands of singles having more of a relationship with their phones than with each other.
In my work as a relationship therapist and love coach, I meet clients of plus of both sexes who are obsessively dating.
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Some do manage to meet up, but it doesn't matter how disastrous any eventual dates are - they have told me horror stories of men talking to other women as they sit opposite them - they just can't stop searching for more. They all say they never meet anyone decent but, even if they do, they are convinced there might well be someone better around the corner.
I gently suggest that maybe they are addicted to the whole process of dating and that perhaps they might think about stopping and pausing to think about what they really want in a relationship.
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I suggest that maybe knowing who they really are and who they really want to meet might help them. Yet often this suggestion is met with looks of horror and confusion. It makes me wonder if we have become a nation of prospectors - dating endlessly in the certainty the next one will be The One, but in reality wasting hours of our lives, with little to show for it.
So where does this leave the or plus dater? The key is to get off apps - half of British singles have never asked someone out face-to-face, but as Margareta James of the Harley Street Wellbeing Clinic says, "It's hard to create extraordinary relationships online. It is all about connection and in an increasingly isolated world, it's what we all crave, especially as we get older. That's what gets you off an app and in to the world of lasting relationships.
It's easy to talk to our phones. It's far more difficult to talk face-to-face, but it's the only way forward.